Zai Wo asked Confucius, “A three-year mourning period for parents seems too long. If a gentleman does not practice rituals for three years, the rituals will surely decay; if he does not play music for three years, music will surely collapse. The old grain has been consumed, the new grain has ripened, and the wood for kindling fire has gone through a full cycle. A one-year mourning period should be sufficient.”
Confucius asked back, “Before three years have passed since your parents’ death, if you eat fine rice and wear brocade, will you feel at peace in your heart?”
Zai Wo replied, “I will feel at peace.”
Confucius said, “If you feel at peace, then go ahead and do it! When a gentleman is in mourning, he eats delicacies without tasting their sweetness, hears music without feeling joy, and lives in his usual dwelling without feeling at ease. Therefore, he refrains from such pleasures. Since you feel at peace, then go ahead and do it!”
After Zai Wo left, Confucius said to the other disciples, “How devoid of Benevolence Zai Yu is! A child does not leave its parents’ arms until three years after birth. The three-year mourning period is a universally observed rite throughout the world. Did Zai Yu not receive three years of loving care from his parents?”
Note
This dialogue is one of the most profound explorations in Confucianism regarding the relationship between “Ritual” (Li) and “Benevolence” (Ren), as well as “external norms” and “inner emotions.” The disagreement between Confucius and Zai Wo, on the surface, is about the length of the mourning period, but essentially, it stems from different moral foundations:
- The Root of Ritual Lies in “Benevolence” and “Emotion”: Zai Wo’s logic is purely utilitarian. He believes rituals and music are external social activities, and a long pause will cause the paralysis of social functions, hence his proposal to shorten the mourning period. Confucius incisively points out that the foundation of the ritual system does not lie in external forms, but in genuine inner emotions (Benevolence). Mourning is not a performance for others, but the natural expression of a child’s gratitude for their parents’ nurturing.
- Inner Peace as the Moral Bottom Line: Confucius did not suppress Zai Wo with rigid rules but questioned his conscience by asking, “Will you feel at peace?” Feeling “at peace” or “uneasy” is the internal standard in Confucianism for judging whether an action is moral. A gentleman observes mourning because inner grief makes him “taste no sweetness in food and feel no ease in dwelling.” Since Zai Wo feels “at peace,” it shows he lacks deep gratitude and affection for his parents, leaving Confucius no choice but to reluctantly tell him to do as he wishes.
- Empathy Through Reciprocity: Finally, Confucius points out that “a child does not leave its parents’ arms until three years after birth,” reducing an abstract ritual to the most basic biological fact and familial experience. The three-year mourning is an equivalent return for the three years of being held in the parents’ arms. The reason Zai Wo was severely criticized by Confucius as “devoid of Benevolence” is precisely because he lost this basic empathy and gratitude inherent in human nature.
Further Reading
The Master said, “A gentleman devotes his efforts to the roots, for once the roots are established, the Way will grow. Filial piety and fraternal submission, are they not the root of Benevolence?”
The Master said, “If a man is not benevolent, what has he to do with rituals? If a man is not benevolent, what has he to do with music?”
When we speak of ‘Ritual’, do we merely mean jade and silk? When we speak of ‘Music’, do we merely mean bells and drums?
These chapters collectively reveal the core cornerstone of Confucian thought: External ritual and musical systems must be rooted in inner “Benevolence” and “Filial Piety.” Whether questioning how a person without Benevolence can relate to rituals and music, emphasizing that rituals and music are not merely material forms like jade, silk, bells, and drums, pointing out that filial piety and fraternal submission are the root of Benevolence, or exploring the origin of familial affection behind the three-year mourning period, their core logic is highly consistent: Confucianism opposes formalism and emphasizes that moral behavior must stem from genuine emotions. They jointly prove that, in Confucius’ view, any ritual norms divorced from inner sincerity and gratitude are meaningless empty shells.
宰我問：「三年之喪，期已久矣。君子三年不為禮，禮必壞；三年不為樂，樂必崩。舊穀既沒，新穀既升，鑽燧改火，期可已矣。」子曰：「食夫稻，衣夫錦，於女安乎？」曰：「安。」「女安則為之！夫君子之居喪，食旨不甘，聞樂不樂，居處不安，故不為也。今女安，則為之！」宰我出。子曰：「予之不仁也！子生三年，然後免於父母之懷。夫三年之喪，天下之通喪也。予也，有三年之愛於其父母乎？」
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