A disciple of Zixia asked Zizhang about how to make friends. Zizhang asked, “What did Zixia say?” The disciple replied, “Zixia said, ‘Associate with those who are worthy, and reject those who are not.’” Zizhang said, “This differs from what I have heard: A gentleman honors the worthy and tolerates the masses; he praises the good and pities those who lack ability. If I am truly a great sage, whom could I not tolerate? If I am not virtuous, others will reject me, so how could I possibly reject others?”
Note
This dialogue vividly showcases two different realms of the “way of making friends” within Confucianism, reflecting Zizhang’s broader and more inclusive character of a gentleman:
- Zixia’s “Choosing the Good to Associate With” (Baseline Thinking):
Zixia’s viewpoint represents the initial stage or basic principle of Confucian self-cultivation, which is “choosing the good to associate with.” When one’s personal moral cultivation is not yet stable, to avoid being assimilated by bad influences, one needs to be selective in making friends and stay away from those of poor character. This is a manifestation of self-protection and adherence to principles. - Zizhang’s “Honoring the Worthy and Tolerating the Masses” (Grand Vision):
Zizhang, on the other hand, proposes a higher moral realm. He believes a true gentleman should not merely stay at the level of “screening” friends, but should possess a broad-mindedness that embraces all. “Honoring the worthy” is aspiring to goodness, and “tolerating the masses” is showing compassion; “praising the good” is affirmation, and “pitying those who lack ability” is empathy. - The Spirit of Self-Reflection (Seeking Within Oneself):
Zizhang’s final rhetorical questions (“If I am truly a great sage… If I am not virtuous…”) are the soul of this passage. He shifts the focus of making friends from “judging others” to “examining oneself.” If one has virtue, one can naturally tolerate all things; if one lacks virtue, others will naturally distance themselves, leaving no need for one to reject others. This demonstrates an extremely high level of moral confidence and self-reflection.
The core of this thought lies in “tolerating all things” and “seeking within oneself.” It teaches people that in interpersonal relationships, while maintaining the pursuit of noble character, one must also cultivate compassion and tolerance towards ordinary people and the weak, ultimately grounding all interpersonal relationships on improving one’s own cultivation.
Further Reading
The Master said, “A gentleman is broad-minded and not partisan; a petty man is partisan and not broad-minded.”
— The Analects, Chapter 1.14
The Master said, “A gentleman is harmonious but not identical; a petty man is identical but not harmonious.”
— The Analects, Chapter 13.23
The Master said, “Be strict with yourself and lenient with others, and you will keep resentment at bay.”
— The Analects, Chapter 15.15
These chapters collectively construct the broad vision of Confucianism regarding “gentlemen’s interpersonal relationships.” Whether it is Zizhang’s advocacy of “tolerating the masses” and “pitying those who lack ability,” Confucius’ emphasis on being “broad-minded and not partisan” and “harmonious but not identical,” or being “lenient with others,” their core logic is highly consistent: The friendships advocated by Confucianism for gentlemen are by no means cliques based on interests or narrow preferences, but are founded on inclusiveness and broad-mindedness rooted in one’s own noble morality. They jointly prove that a true gentleman always adopts the attitude of “seeking within oneself” in interpersonal relationships, embracing the differences of others with a broad mind, and treating the shortcomings of others with empathy.
子夏之門人問交於子張。子張曰：「子夏云何？」對曰：「子夏曰：『可者與之，其不可者拒之。』」子張曰：「異乎吾所聞：君子尊賢而容眾，嘉善而矜不能。我之大賢與，於人何所不容？我之不賢與，人將拒我，如之何其拒人也？」
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