Zigong asked about friendship. The Master said, “Give loyal advice and guide gently; if he does not accept it, stop—do not humiliate yourself.”
Note
This passage from the Analects of Confucius articulates his balanced view of ethical friendship: it requires both moral responsibility and relational wisdom. A true friend must offer honest, well-intentioned counsel when a companion errs, because allowing wrongdoing to go unchallenged is not kindness but complicity. However, this duty is bounded by respect for the other’s autonomy. If repeated gentle guidance is rejected, one should withdraw rather than persist in criticism that breeds resentment or hostility. The phrase “do not humiliate yourself”warns against self-righteous nagging or forcing virtue upon others—an act that damages both dignity and the relationship. Confucian friendship, therefore, is neither passive acceptance nor aggressive correction, but a compassionate middle path: speak truth with care, then step back with grace. This reflects the broader Confucian emphasis on ritual propriety in human relations—knowing when to act, when to speak, and when to let go.
Further Reading
Zengzi said, “The noble person gathers friends through cultural refinement and uses friendship to support the cultivation of humaneness.” Analects 12.24 (Yan Yuan)
Both see friendship as a vehicle for moral growth, not mere companionship—yet it must be conducted with mutual respect.
子貢問友。子曰：「忠告而善道之，不可則止，無自辱焉。」
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