The Analects – Chapter 83 (4.18). Handle disagreements with parents

4.18

The Master said, “In serving his father and mother a man may gently remonstrate with them. But if he sees that he has failed to change their opinion, he should resume an attitude of deference and not thwart them; may feel discouraged, but not resentful.”

子曰：「事父母幾諫。見志不從，又敬不違，勞而不怨。」

Notes

This passage from the Analects offers a dialectical approach for children navigating disagreements with parents: Fulfill filial piety while upholding righteousness. At its core, it emphasizes that filial piety transcends blind obedience — it requires prudent communication rooted in respect, embodying the Confucian unity of ritual propriety and human affection.

The Confucius’ teaching tells that the essence of kinship lies not in insisting on “who is right,” but in mutual cherishing. Find out more about the essence of filial piety.

We can also find similar viewpoints from Mencius. For example, Mencius once said:

“Between father and son, one should not urge each other to live up to rigid moral standards; such urging will estrange them, and no misfortune is greater than estrangement between kin.”(Mencius 7.19)

Inheriting the core tenet of “showing reverence without defiance”, it opposes exacerbating conflicts between father and son through rigid moral exhortation. Instead, it advocates gentle communication rather than blunt correction of mistakes, which is highly consistent with the mild principle of “remonstrating with parents tactfully” and avoids disharmony arising from overly blunt remonstrance.

Additionally Mencius said:

“To not remonstrate when one’s parents commit major faults will only widen the emotional distance; to complain when they make minor mistakes is to be irritable over trivialities. Growing emotionally distant is unfilial, and being irritable over trivial matters is also unfilial.”(Mencius 12.3)

It refines the sense of propriety embedded in the principle of “serving diligently without complaint”, drawing a clear line between “needing to remonstrate against major faults” and “refraining from complaining about minor mistakes”.

It rejects both losing reverence due to unwarranted resentment and abandoning one’s responsibility due to excessive avoidance of conflict, and stands as a dialectical extension of the doctrines of “tactful remonstrance” and “non-complaint”.