A young Taoist began shouting wildly while pounding on the door of his masters’ chambers.
“Respected Masters! A terrible misfortune has occurred!”
Panic in the Night
The three Taoists had not yet fallen asleep, and upon opening the door, they asked him reproachfully:
“What misfortune are you talking about?”
The young Taoist explained, trembling from head to toe:
“I left my bell in the offering hall and went back to retrieve it before going to bed. It was very dark, but as I was about to close the door, I heard a terrible burst of laughter that nearly drove me mad.”
At once, the three Taoists ordered:
“Bring torches! We must find out at once what’s going on.”
All the Taoists who lived along the two corridors quickly leapt out of bed and rushed to the offering hall carrying lamps and torches.
Feeling someone approaching, Wukong, Bajie, and Monk Sha fell silent immediately and sat solemnly on their thrones.
With the help of their torches and lamps, the Taoists examined them from every angle, front and back, but saw nothing more than golden-painted clay idols.
Commented Immortal Tiger Power(Tiger Strength Immortal):
“There’s no sign of any thief here. Then who could have eaten all the offerings?”
Declared Immortal Deer Power(Deer Strength Immortal):
“It must have been humans who finished them. Don’t you see how they’ve peeled the fruits and then thrown away the seeds? Only flesh-and-blood men could do that.”
Advised Immortal Goat Power(Goat Strength Immortal):
“Don’t be so suspicious, brothers. As for me, I believe that due to our unquestionable devotion and the fact that we chant prayers and sacred texts day and night for the Emperor’s well-being, the Celestial Immortals were moved and decided to pay us a visit. In my opinion, they descended directly from Heaven and ate these offerings. Therefore, I suggest that since their crane carriages are still here, we respectfully beg them for some golden elixir and holy water to present later to His Majesty. That way, his life would be greatly prolonged, and he would never grow old. Would he not be eternally grateful to us for such an extraordinary favor?”
Concluded Tiger Strength Immortal:
“You’re absolutely right.”
He then turned to his disciples and ordered:
“Disciples, begin playing music and chanting scriptures, and bring our ceremonial robes. We must rise to the stars to make our supplications.”
The Taoists obeyed instantly, lining up in two rows. It wasn’t long before they began reciting The Authentic Scriptures of the Yellow Court to the rhythm of gong beats.
A Divine Farce
Regretful of what they had done, Bajie whispered remorsefully:
“All this is our fault. After eating those offerings, we should leave immediately. How can we possibly respond to such a sincere prayer?”
The Monkey King immediately pinched him to keep him quiet. But even more surprisingly, he himself opened his mouth and spoke aloud:
“Stop your prayers, immortals of this new generation. Although we would like to fulfill your wishes, we fear we cannot do so at the moment, for we have just come from the Banquet of Immortal Peaches and brought no golden elixir or holy water with us. If you don’t mind, we will return another day and give them to you.”
All the Taoists trembled when they realized it was the statue speaking. Unable to contain themselves, they shouted joyfully:
“The Honored Immortals have truly descended to Earth! How can we let them leave without transmitting to us the secret formula for eternal youth?”
The “Holy Water” Scam
Sha Wujing pinched Wukong and nervously whispered:
“They’re praying again. What should we do?”
“I think we should give them what they ask,” said the Monkey King.
Bajie agreed:
“That sounds good. But where are we going to get it from?”
Wukong replied:
“Watch closely, and you’ll see how quickly I solve this.”
As soon as the Taoists had finished their chanting, the Pilgrim raised his voice again:
“Very well. Bring us some containers.”
The Taoists repeatedly prostrated themselves in gratitude. Tiger Power, being extremely selfish, ordered a huge barrel to be brought into the offering hall. Deer Power settled for a jar from the garden, and Goat Power used a flower vase, placing it exactly between the other two containers.
Seeing how diligently they had acted, the Monkey King said solemnly:
“Now, if you please, we would like you to step outside for a moment and shut the doors tightly, for it is improper for profane eyes to witness the celestial mysteries directly. When you return, these containers will be filled with holy water.”
The Taoists obeyed instantly, leaving the hall and carefully closing the doors behind them.
Without delay, the Monkey King lifted his tiger-skin robe and filled the vase with urine. Seeing this, Bajie and Monk Sha did the same.
Revelation and Escape
Once they had finished, they solemnly resumed their seats on the thrones and shouted:
“You may now enter to collect the holy water—if you wish!”
The Taoists immediately opened the doors and repeatedly prostrated themselves in thanks.
The elder Taoist ordered one of his disciples:
“Bring me a cup so I may taste it.”
In no time, the Taoist handed him a teacup, which the master emptied in one gulp. But the flavor was so strong that a grimace of disgust appeared on his lips.
“Does it taste good?” asked Immortal Deer Power.
“Not very good. It has a very strong flavor,” the old man replied, his mouth still twisted.
Demanded Immortal Goat Power:
“Let me try it too.”
And he drank another cup. After tasting it carefully, he added:
“How strange! To me, it smells like pig’s urine.”
Upon hearing this remark, the Monkey King immediately knew that the deception could not last much longer, so he declared:
“What you have just tasted, to put it plainly, is not holy water at all—it is pure urine, freshly urinated by us.”
The Taoists closed the doors and, arming themselves with sticks, rakes, stones, bricks—whatever they could find—rushed toward the altar with the intent to beat the sacrilegious impostors.
Wukong, the Sand Monk, and Bajie flew toward the door, shattering it completely. Then, without difficulty, they mounted a cloud and fled straight toward the Monastery of Profound Wisdom.
Upon arriving at their quarters, they took special care not to awaken the Tang Monk and slipping quietly into their beds.
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