The Master said, “If you can speak with someone but do not, you lose a person; if you cannot speak with someone yet do, you waste your words. The wise person neither loses people nor wastes words.”
Note
This passage from the Analects – Lunyu reveals Confucius’ profound wisdom regarding the ethics of speech and the discernment of character.
Confucius stresses that speaking is not only about content but also about audience and timing. True communication is not one-way expression but depends on accurately judging another’s moral character, capacity for understanding, and willingness to listen.
“Losing a person” means missing an opportunity to connect with a worthy friend, teacher, or teachable individual – a loss of relationship and potential. “Wasting words”means offering valuable teachings to those who cannot comprehend or refuse to accept them, which at best leads to indifference and at worst invites misunderstanding or even danger (as in Analects 15.40: “Offer sincere advice and guide gently; if it is not accepted, stop – do not bring shame upon yourself”).
The “wise person” avoids both errors because they possess two key abilities: first, discernment of character – knowing who deserves deep conversation; second, judgment in speech – knowing when, how, and what to say. This reflects the Confucian ideals of the “Mean” (zhong yong or moderation) and situational adaptability.
This teaching also aligns with Confucius’ pedagogical principle of “teaching according to individual aptitude.” Imposing views on the unready or avoiding dialogue with the receptive are both failures of judgment.
In today’s information-saturated age, this insight remains strikingly relevant: amid diverse audiences and constant communication, knowing how to speak effectively – without futility or conflict – is central to personal relationships and public discourse.
In short, Confucius teaches: Wise speech lies in choosing the right person to speak to; true communication begins with understanding and respecting the other.
Further Reading
The Master said, “Give loyal advice and guide gently; if it is not accepted, stop – do not bring shame upon yourself.” Analects 12.23 (Yan Yuan)
Both emphasize knowing when to cease speaking to avoid futility or humiliation – key to “not wasting words.”
The Master said, “To those of average ability or above, you may speak of higher things; to those below average, you may not speak of higher things.” Analects 6.21 (Yong Ye)
Directly supports the idea of tailoring speech to the listener’s capacity – essential for avoiding “wasted words.”
Confucius said, “There are three faults when serving a noble person: speaking before your turn is called rashness; not speaking when it is your turn is called concealment; speaking without observing his expression is called blindness.” Analects 16.9 (Ji Shi)
Highlights the importance of timing, receptivity, and reading the listener – crucial for effective and appropriate speech.
The Master said, “Do not worry that others do not know you; worry that you do not know others.” Analects 1.16 (Xue Er)
Underlines that understanding others (“knowing people”) is the foundation for proper interaction – including knowing when and whether to speak.
子曰：「可與言而不與之言，失人；不可與言而與之言，失言。知者不失人，亦不失言。」
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