Gongsun Chou asked Mencius:
“Why don’t gentlemen teach their own sons?”
Mencius replied:
“Because the situation makes it unworkable.
Teaching must be done with moral correctness.
But if you teach correctly and your son doesn’t follow, you’ll get angry.
Once anger sets in, your words become harsh – and that backfires.Then your son might retort:
‘You teach me to be upright, yet your own anger shows you’re not being upright yourself!’
Thus, father and son end up hurting and disrespecting each other.
When father and son treat each other with contempt, the relationship is ruined.That’s why in ancient times, people exchanged children to teach them –
you taught my child, I taught yours.Between father and son, one should not demand moral perfection from the other.
Demanding perfection breeds distance;
and once they drift apart, nothing could be more inauspicious.”
公孫丑曰：「君子之不教子，何也？」
孟子曰：「勢不行也。教者必以正；以正不行，繼之以怒；繼之以怒，則反夷矣。『夫子教我以正，夫子未出於正也。』則是父子相夷也。父子相夷，則惡矣。古者易子而教之。父子之間不責善。責善則離，離則不祥莫大焉。」
Note
This passage from Mencius: Li Lou I addresses a subtle tension in Confucian ethics: the conflict between familial affection and moral instruction.
The structural conflict of dual roles
A father embodies love and authority; a teacher requires discipline and objectivity. When combined, emotional investment easily turns correction into anger, and anger into resentment – undermining both education and kinship.
“Demanding goodness breeds distance”
Though Confucians value self-cultivation, Mencius warns against turning family into a moral tribunal. Insisting on perfection from loved ones violates the very trust that makes ethical growth possible.
“Exchanging children for teaching”
The ancient practice of mutual teaching wasn’t neglect – it was a sophisticated social arrangement to separate nurturing from instruction, preserving emotional bonds while ensuring educational rigor.
Contemporary Relevance
Modern psychology confirms that parent-child academic conflicts are common. Mencius’s insight – that intimacy and discipline often clash – remains strikingly relevant.
Today’s parents struggle to balance closeness and control.
Mencius advises: prioritize relational harmony over immediate behavioral compliance. External educators can help maintain both learning and love.
Philosophical Depth: Emotion as the root of virtue
In Confucian “graded love,” the family is the seedbed of benevolence. If this core relationship fractures due to excessive moral pressure, the entire ethical edifice weakens. Thus, virtue grows best in soil of trust, not fear.
In essence, Mencius teaches:
Love your child enough to let someone else teach them – so your bond remains unbroken, and virtue can bloom naturally.
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